Back in the 80’s or 90’s or some time like that I remember
there was this push about being a Super Woman- have it all, do it all, be it
all. I look back now and think “What a
load of crap. What a great way to set
women up to think they aren’t enough.”
I’ve been slowly reformulating that whole concept into this- Shero:
Female Hero. I my opinion there’s a
DRASTIC difference between Super-Woman and Shero. Let me walk you through what I have so far,
and so far I’ve put together enough that I’ve roughed out a book on this very
topic. (Notice I say roughed out, it’s a
project in the works and very near to my heart personally and professionally.)
As a Licensed Professional Counselor in the St. Louis area I
specialize in working with survivors of sexual trauma. I see more women than men basically. Most of the women I work with come in with
their chief complaint being self-esteem/self-confidence issues. It’s a rarity that I see a female client who
doesn’t state they have those issues.
First things first we throw the whole concept of better self-esteem out
the window. It’s such an abstract
concept. Like what does self-esteem feel
like? It feels like being comfortable in
your own skin and your world. Let’s aim
for that instead! If we can feel it, if
we can conceive of it we are more likely to get there. Most clients that complain to me about low
self-esteem find it easier to conceive of comfort rather than
self-confidence. It’s definitely NOT
being cocky and self-centered which is where some clients think self-esteem
exists- in the realm of selfishness.
That leads me to another phase of this- being a Shero is
about taking care of yourself- FIRST.
Even if you are married, have kids, and work a full time job you take
care of you first. If you’re not OK then
who’s going to be there to take care of everyone else? I don’t know if it’s hard wiring or learned
behavior but most women are care-takers in one way or another. What’s that cliché’: If Momma ain’t happy
nobody’s happy? Well it’s truth. If Momma is physically ill then she needs to
take some much needed Momma time and get well!
In caring for yourself you are teaching your kids, loved ones, and
friends that being mindful of you is OK to do.
I can not count the amount of times I’ve had clients who did EVERYTHING
for their family and their family totally took advantage of that and had no
respect for them in the end, nor did they know how to do anything for
themselves. That’s an equation for long
term mess in my opinion. If you have
kids, seriously, they need to move out eventually and pay their own bills!
Now in caring for yourself that means learning a few
skills. 1) Say No. No is your default setting. In order for you to say Yes there better be a
good reason to say yes, and part of that reason is in saying Yes it’s to
something you enjoy doing. If it’s
something you dread say NO! 2)
Delegate. Read that again-
DELEGATE. Other people are likely better
at some tasks than you are. Some of the
people in your life might actually enjoy some tasks and such more than you do. Sometimes, like with kids, they need to learn
some life skills, say doing laundry.
Delegate. 3) Schedule time for you and what ever it is you need to do to
rejuvenate yourself. Some of us are
introverts and need time alone to meditate, do yoga, read, watch some guilty
pleasure TV. Schedule that FIRST before
anything else. Some of us are
extroverts, we rejuvenate while being with others- family dinners, coffee with
a friend, etc. Schedule that FIRST. THEN schedule date night with your
spouse/partner., and then all the other stuff.
Now your work is not going to be accepting of Tuesdays being “Me” day so
I guess schedule around work. (Silly
jobs getting in the way of our well -being)
Know your limits, respect them, honor them, and keep
them. If being in a crowded noisy place
isn’t your thing and you are totally able to pass up that event DO IT! I recently did a mud run and a “cheer leader”
for our team came to cheer but that person and everyone else knew busy, noisy,
crowded events wasn’t that person’s idea of a good time. Therefore it quickly became a NOT good time
for that person. One can cheer on their
loved ones by having a warm meal and a glass of wine ready at home. In my world both are just as supportive. Frankly being honest and respecting your own
needs teaches others to respect you and your needs.
Emotionally what many people feel that struggle with
“self-esteem” is worry/anxiety. What
many clients tell me is they constantly worry about how others are perceiving
them, what they are thinking about them, etc.
I’m here to tell you- They aren’t thinking about you as much as you
think they are. Most humans are pretty
lost inside their own head and their own world.
If someone is actually thinking about you that much well you must be
pretty famous, or they have problems with obsession or something. How others perceive you and what they think
about you has everything to do with what’s inside their head. I’ve been in the mental health field for over
15 years…you really don’t want to know what’s going on inside most people’s
heads. Truth be told the more you focus
on you and yours the less people focus on you.
In fact some will begin to respect you more for doing so.
Now this emotional part of this effects all the other parts
and vice versus. Anxiety sometimes needs
some professional help to get it managed and cleared. That’s OK.
That goes right back to take care of you! Asking for help is key to being your own
Shero. We are social creatures us
humans. We are designed to be with other
humans. (Not saying I want to be with
ALL humans but there’s a select few I enjoy being with) Therefore we are
designed to help each other. If you have
been helping everyone a lot I guarantee there’s someone you’ve helped that is
trying to figure out a way to give back to you.
There’s someone who’d LOVE to help you out, support you, and give
back. It’s time to let them, to ask
them, to release them from this mental age of feeling like they owe you
something.
Being a Super-Woman is out.
Being a Shero is what it’s all about.
And the more you Shero on the more Sheros you will find until you have
your own Shero League and with your League you will conquer your part of the
world!
Oh and lastly I have to give credit where credit is
due. The term Shero comes from Johnetta B. Cole. Go look her up, she’s pretty darn amazing! Follow my Shero Blog and share it with your friends!
Tara S. Dickherber, LPC is a Licensed Counselor working in
the St. Louis area. When she’s not in
session with her clients she can be found gardening or at the barn horsing
around. For more info on Tara check out
her website: http://www.tarasdickherberlpc.com
